Chapter 1 (sort of..)

2020 COVID-19 – March 16

Social isolation was a far more appealing concept before having young kids. The idea of a forced bank of time to be purposefully free of social obligations, to read, to meditate, to watch tv and otherwise dress like someone who forgot how to dress coherently sounds perfectly and entirely delightful to my introvert nature. But the prospect of spending the next three (possibly many more) weeks entertaining a baby and a pre-schooler, in the last month of Canadian winter, mostly indoors, in a downtown condo is daunting. And by daunting I mean send gin and sedatives.

Our four year old sneezed in the crowded aisle of a store today and a woman almost snapped her ankle while she clutched her scarf in horror trying to get away. I know we are in the early stages of a horrible and potentially devastating pandemic….but this was the one time in the last four years that I was happy to have a snotty small child around. That area cleared faster than a greased eel getting out a vat of lube. It’s a guaranteed way to ensure your personal space in public during times like these. (Our) children – give or take 9000% of the time – have a snotty nose in the winter. It’s basically their job to be snot machines and our daughter takes it very seriously.
Having had open heart surgery twice for a congenital heart disease I’m in a slightly higher risk bracket than some other 42-year-olds. But the risk of seeing this pandemic truly spiral out of control is far more terrifying. Also, the risk of having to hear about it unendingly on every app, media outlet and homing pigeon delivery is unacceptable as a long term lifestyle. Let’s get this shit contained.

It’s safe to say that every single company that knows how to send you an email will likely – in a somber yet approachable sans serif font on an isolated solid background – has messaged saying:

“In light of the recent developments around COVID-19…”

“The continued spread of Coronavirus (COVID-19)…”

“….is doing everything we can to support you through this difficult time…”

“hold ourselves to a high standard of transparent communication…”

“we have been closely monitoring the novel coronavirus (COVID-19) developing impact …”

We get it, ya’ll are worried too. Thanks, every company ever.
Notably silent though is Corona Extra lager beer. Currently remarkably mute about its namesake pandemic and probably being cool and refreshing on a hot beach somewhere.

I vent best in writing when things get stressed. I blogged all the way through a family tragedy when my dad died in an accident. Which, was obviously super hilarious and uplifting. I wrote about having open-heart surgery. Again, a totally fun and whimsical experience.

So here I am again. Writing words and eating away my anxieties. Our daughter has the tendency to anthropomorphize and refuses to eat things she perceives as “cute”. Her uncle bought her a snowman Christmas cookie at Starbucks and it sat on the shelf for 3 weeks before I had to sneak and throw it out because it was getting moldy and then I had to lie and tell her it went home to be with Santa.
Her nana gave her a 12” chocolate Easter bunny and today I smashed it on the edge of the kitchen counter and then chopped it into unidentifiable pieces to put into a ziplock bag in the fridge, like some sort of serial killer, while she was in the shower because I wanted to eat the chocolate. So that’s the level of feelings I’m at over here. It’s just a matter of time before she asks where the chocolate bunny is and I have to lie and say it went back to the Easter bunny farm or that Jesus took it back. Not sure which angle to take on that one.

Isolate to protect yourself and ultimately others if humanly possible, wash your hands and don’t be a monster.

I love you all.

Rating: self-isolation sucks. But so does missing the opportunity to minimize the spread of a global health catastrophe.

0/10 on the fun scale but glad they didn’t bring back Ebola.